Drought Solution #2: Bomb Antarctica

Even though attacking India and forcibly taking its water would be fun and make us feel tough, there's another, even more obvious solution to the current Australian drought, and it's even closer to home; Antarctica.

Depending on where you do your research, Antarctica contains anywhere from seventy to eighty percent of the world's fresh water, in the form of ice. It's just sitting down there, doing nothing much apart from being white, cold ... and wasted! Australia lays claim to about 42% of Antarctica (about 5.9 Million square kilometres). All we need to do is take a couple of ships down there, bomb a few glaciers, tow the resultant enormous icebergs home, melt them down and use them to water our lawns and wash our cars. This is a terrific scheme, and the more you think about it, the more advantages present themselves, for example ... most climate scientists seem to now be in agreement that the climate is heating up, and that one effect will be the melting of the icecaps, and consequent raising of sea levels. So if we remove the ice and use it to fill our swimming pools we're really doing the environment a favour. Instead of rising, the ocean levels will presumably fall, thus revealing more land, yes, more land, which, as I established in yesterday's post, is something everyone wants more of.

The only obstacle to this inspired innovative plan is the Antarctic Treaty. This came into effect in 1961 and has now been signed by 45 countries. The high-minded objective of the Treaty is to:

"ensure in the interests of all mankind that Antarctica shall continue forever to be used exclusively for peaceful purposes and shall not become the scene or object of international discord"

Article 1 of the treaty prohibits, among other things, the use of arms anywhere on the continent. This, unfortunately includes bombs, but there is one important caveat to this agreement: Military equipment may be used if it is for scientific purposes. It's high time Australia took a page out of Japan's book and started taking what they want in the guise of scientific research. The Japanese have been slaughtering whales in the Antarctic for scientific purposes every year since 1987, when the International Whaling Commission (IWC) declared a "International Ban" on commercial whaling, and who can blame them? Whale meat is not only delicious, it is also low in fat, high in protein and contains hardly any calories. We know this because of the scientific research the Japanese have conducted on it (the whale meat).

But I digress (the mere mention of whale meat is enough to get me dribbling). Fortunately, I am not alone in the abovementioned, pathfinding idea. In Australia we have a government-funded thinktank called the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, which makes recommendations about, well, Australian strategic policy. Earlier this month they published a report about our Antarctic territories, creatively titled: "Frozen Assets". This report warns that climate change will generate tougher competition for territory and resources in Antarctica, and that Australia is not prepared for such threats. The report calls on the government to increase our military capability in Antarctica and advocates the development of new bio-prospecting and iceberg harvesting industries there.

It's heartening in these enlightened times to hear Australian policy makers disregarding old-fashioned, namby-pamby ideals like the ones that underscored the Antarctic Treaty, in favour of militaristic paranoia and commercial opportunism. We have spent too long catching up with our enlightened brothers and sisters across the seas, but I feel that long road may be close to its end.